Push Along

Alright, so I am incredibly proud of my brother. Chad is serving a mission in Spain, and he has grown so much as a person. He has so much love for others. This morning we got this email from him:

"Hello my dear beloved family. How can I tell you and express my true feelings of love for you through an email? I would say it is impossible, so I pray the Holy Spirit will be here as you read so you can know and feel how much I do love you. I can think back listening to you all say that Matthew just wants to be like me, and how I need to be his example, and how he would always listen to my advice. The truth is, if I'm being honest, I have always looked up to him. I have always been jealous of him because he has always been so obedient to you, Mom, and because he has always been gifted with the ability to work and be happy. It has taken me over a year to learn those things he was born with.

 

I remember looking at his blog and looking at all the pictures one day in the mission office, and the AP asked me, "Why do you do that, doesnt it just make you sad and get you out of the working mood?" I told him no because he got his Patriarchal Blessing it said he will serve a full time mission and be healed. So naturally, when President Deere came to my house on Saturday night and told me that my best friend had passed away, I was really confused. I had forgotten that Patriarchal Blessings we receive are valid here on this earth and in the spirit world. When I heard dad's words from President Deere that he was serving with me, I realized and was amazed that his blessing and my prayer was completed so fast. I now have a perfect brother serving a mission with me and with all the prophets. Do you see why I have always looked up to him? Because even when I lead the way, he was always my GPS and he has, and will guide me by his example he left me.

President Deere, Elder Valenzuela, Elder Estrada and Elder Mambo gave me a blessing that night and they told me that in my prayer I will bless my family with comfort and peace. That night I prayed a lot and I hope you felt the peace I was asking for. Also, thank you for being with him 24/7. Dad, I remember I asked you if you were tired and you said no, never. I could see it in your eyes that you were. Its okay to be tired, the truth is that I'm tired. I think the Lord was even tired after his minestry and suffering. Being tired doesnt matter to the Lord, it's what you do when you're tired that matters. Family, thanks for being the best and for fighting and spending time with my hero even though you were all tired.

I would love to participate in the funeral, and I am going to love talking to you, and more than anything I'm excited to serve with the one and only T-Man. Like you said mom, God did give us the revelation that we need to lead the mission with Matthew in mind. Jenelle, thanks for the blog and tormenting him, and Hannah, thanks for just being my sister! I love you all so much and I'll be sure to fill you all in with our miracles here serving as missionaries for the one and only God!

Peace and love be to your souls,

Elder Chad Cooper Peters

PS: Alma 40 and D&C138 explain perfectly where T is and what he is doing, if you want to know. <3  LIVE FOR MATTHEW"

I was worried that he would be angry because he wasn't here for Matthew's battle with cancer, and I had the thought in the back of my mind that he might want to come home for the funeral. I'm really proud that his testimony is unwavering and he has a true desire to stay and serve. I have no idea how I got so lucky to be put in this family. All of my siblings are so awesome.

Funeral Info

The visitation for Matthew will be from 6:00 P.M. to 8:00 P.M., on Thursday, May 23, 2013 at the Gilbert Greenfield Stake Center of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints in Gilbert, Az. The address for that building is 2740 S. Lindsay Rd. Gilbert, AZ 85296.

The funeral service will begin at 10:00 A.M., on Friday, May 24, 2013 at the Stake Center where additional visitation will begin 1 hour prior. The concluding service and interment will immediately follow at a cemetery that has not yet been chosen.

It will be a beautiful ceremony.

Facebook Tributes

On Matthew's Facebook page there are a ton of thoughts posted by those who loved him. I didn't feel this blog would be complete without including their thoughts, so I've copied and pasted almost all of them.


"Hey everyone. I just wanted to remind you all that Matthew Peters is most definitely in a better place now. He is no longer in pain, and he is with our Father in Heaven, smiling down on us right now. I may not have been Matthew's best friend, but I genuinely appreciated him and the small friendship we did have. GHS, we are celebrating Matthew's life today. Please wear green to show your love, and don't forget to keep the Peters family in your prayers. We'll miss you, Matthew."

"Matthew, I've known you since elementary school. I've always admired how you always seemed to have a smile on your face and how you could make people laugh. I remember when we first started really talking freshman year when I sat at the same table as you. You were so funny and you always had that goofy amazing smile that brightened up everyone's day when I talked to you. We didn't talk a ton sophomore year and junior year except for a couple of times, and I really regret not making more of an effort to talk to you more. Your an amazing person Matthew and I know your looking down at all the people that love you from heaven and smiling."

"Remembering this fun night celebrating Nick's and Dylan's birthdays with Matt at Buffalo Wild Wings."

"Matthew, You were a great example of courage and strength for all those around you. You will be so missed and always treasured. Thanks for being such an awesome friend to my Cameron. I remember right when we moved here, he was in playing x-box, and I asked who he was playing with, it was you. A good friend right from the start. We know you are in a beautiful place, free from the pain of this world!!! Thanks for being in our lives, if only for a short time!"

"R.I.P Matthew you were strong and it's sad your gone, but you’re in heaven now. The best place you deserve to be."

"Rip Matthew Peters I'm so glad to have known you in English last year. It was a great time! I know I will see you again on the other side. You have inspired all of Gilbert High School to be better people by your great example. I'm so proud of how big of a fight you put up. And thank you for giving something for us Gilbert students to strive for. You will be missed."

"Matthew Peters, you were always a great kid and will always be a great kid. You were a great friend to my brother and a fantastic teammate to me. Even though we were never on the same team, training for what we enjoyed most in life was a team within itself. Always pushing one another to go past our limits. You have fought hard and bravely. Your courage will live through each and every one of us as we struggle to push ourselves past our limits. Thanks for being such a great guy. You will be missed. Rest in peace buddy. See you soon."

"Yesterday I lost a great friend.. His name was Matthew Peters, he was a brave, strong, truthful young man. Cancer eventually won the fight. Matt you are in a better place now.. I love you and we will see each other again one day."

"I am so blessed to have known Matt how I did... You were such a nice guy and you always had something funny to say. It sucks it had to happen like this but you're in a better place now. You're not suffering anymore and all the pain is gone... I wish I had the chance to visit you in the hospital before this happened... See you again Matt. We will miss you... prayers going out to the Peters family."

"I'm so grateful to have such amazing friends to help get me through today. I'm especially grateful to know that Matthew is up there watching over me and is right here with me. I still can't believe he's gone. I'm just so happy I know about God’s Plan of Happiness. I can't wait to see you again soon Matthew."

"Wow can't believe your gone Matthew Peters, It feels just like yesterday we were back in freshman year hanging out having fun in Mr. Dunn's class. I still remember our conversations about sports and video-games and just having a good laugh. You will never be forgotten because you were always that cool, fun guy to be around always making people’s day when they weren't feeling that great. Rest in Peace buddy."

"It was a blessing to get to know you and call you my friend. You'll really be missed."

"Although I didn't know you as well as I wish, I know you were a great person. My favorite memory is my birthday party freshman year. I still have the bracelet you made me, and I will never forget that day. You were so sweet, and that's something I will never forget. Its great the atmosphere you create, and that is noticed by everyone. Rest in peace Matthew Peters, you will forever be remembered."

"Never have I been so encouraged by a family’s strength, love, and togetherness through a trial. What an incredible blessing to meet all of you. Matthew Peters was a great kid, great friend to all and a joy to have visit.... He will be missed and we pray God will grant peace to the family."

"Matthew Peters was an amazing person and an awesome friend. He was such a huge inspiration to our entire team and to so many others. He will be missed incredibly by many. We are praying for the Peters family."

"There is no such thing as death but the beginning of new life. When spirits leave their bodies here on the earth, they are on their way to a better life with their Father in Heaven. Free from the physical strife that their tangible bodies have suffered. You were a strong warrior, my friend, and now your battle is over. Enjoy your much deserved rest for there is work to do in God's kingdom. My prayers are with your family and may you rest in peace, brother. I look forward to seeing you again."

"I didn't know you very well, but I have been reading your blog and praying for you for a long time. Nobody deserves to go through what you did, but you fought it with a smile. Heaven gained a wonderful angel today! Rest in Peace Matthew Peters."

"I going to miss you Matt, I know we didn't hang out a lot but whenever I talked to you or was around you, I knew that you were one of my greatest friends. I can't believe you are gone now, I always miss seeing you in the halls and having a laugh. I will always remember at my cousin's reception and having a blast hanging out with you there. Goodbye Matt, I'm going to miss you, rest in peace buddy."

"Matthew Peters was an amazing person and an awesome friend. He was such a huge inspiration to our entire team and to so many others. He will be missed incredibly by many. We are praying for the Peters family."

"This is BY FAR the most important shout out and post I've ever done. Shout out to Matthew Peters. You were literally the heart and soul of Gilbert High School, and you will forever live in our hearts. You fought until your last breath and you were truly an amazing person, inside and out. We love you Matthew."

"Our Heavenly Father just received one of the most strongest spirits I know. Matthew Peters fought and fought, and he still had the beautiful glow to him through all that he went through. He shines so bright and I know that he truly is happy in Paradise. And that's what Heaven needed. I will miss Matt dearly. Prayers to him and his family because he truly was an amazing guy. He left his mark on this world, on GHS, and on me...and he'll always be remembered as the one who never let down. RIP Matthew"

"Matt you are one of the best seminary partners I have had! You had a great testimony and a great spirit about you. You will truly be missed, my prayers go out to you and your family. Rest in paradise my friend."

"Matthew Peters will truly be missed. I didn't know you that well, but every time I saw you there was always a smile on your face! Even when you were going through your battle with cancer you always had a smile! You inspired me so much! Now our Heavenly Father gets to see your smiling face! You were so strong. Rest in Peace, Matthew."

"You were the sweetest, happiest person I have ever met. I will alway cherish the memories we had together. You have made an impact on so many people. You are deeply loved and missed and I know I'll see you again someday. Love you Matt."

"I'm so lucky to have known Matthew Peters. He was the toughest and bravest person I have ever met. At last his suffering has stopped, and he is now in a better place. You will be missed, Matt. Love you man."

"Haven't seen you since Finley (which is a shame), but I know for certain that Heaven has gained an angel today. Thoughts and prayers go out to the Peters family. Rest in peace, Matthew."

"We all lost a great friend today. He has impacted so many people’s lives. His suffering has finally stopped and he is at peace. We will miss you so much, but we know you are in a better place. We love you Matthew Peters."

"Heaven has missed you too Matthew... I know you are in good hands and there isn't any doubt in that. From your smile to just being so incredibly inspirational and strong, you have showed me that there are no true worries in life but to just live it to the fullest. I know you and my little brother are hushing us telling us not to cry. Not to hurt. Because you are happy. In the eternal gates of Heaven watching over us. But you will always be missed and on my Mind. Love you Matthew."

"Matthew Peters you were so strong. My prayers go out to your family. You'll be missed by everyone. We all love the way you made everyone laugh and smile. Now it's your turn to make God smile and laugh. I love you Matthew. Forever a Tiger."

"I am just stunned right now. I can't believe that someone I feel like I was just playing with is gone. Matthew Peters was one amazing kid! He was gifted, loving, and hilarious! I'm so blessed to have known him! RIP Matthew, we all love you."

"I feel so blessed to have known Matthew as well as I did. He is such an amazing person and has taught me so much. I know he's in a better place now, and he fought a good fight. I know God has a plan for all of us and it was time for Matthew to go. I can't wait to see him again on the other side. I love you Matthew Peters and I will miss you so much. Rest in peace bud."

"Matthew Peters is one of the funniest kids ever, and I'll always remember his constant smile. Praying for the Peters family today, so grateful for the knowledge that families can be together forever."

"Matthew, you were always a wonderful smiling person and you were such a great friend to Angela. You will be missed. RIP Matthew Peters, you were so strong!"

"Rest in peace Matt. You were such a tough, funny, and amazing guy and I'm so glad that I got to know you."

"Today the world lost an amazing person. No matter what, he was always the light in the room and I will forever cherish the many memories we've had. You will be missed Matthew Peters."

"I just want my sister and her family to know how much I love them, and how sad I am for all of them (us). My nephew, Matthew Peters, lost his life this morning to cancer and I can't even pretend to know how they feel. There is nothing I can say or do to make it better, but know I love you all!! Matthew is home and happy now. There is a celebration in Heaven! You will forever be missed Matthew!!!"

"I don't like to get religious on Facebook, but I believe God has a plan for all of us. Matthew Peters touched our hearts in so many ways this past year. I'm so fortunate to know such a brave kid like Matt, and I hope that someday I can I can have half the courage he had. You have changed my life in so many ways. I love you Matt."

"R.I.P Matthew Peters! You are truly the strongest tiger out there and no one knows what battles you went through! I'm truly blessed to have gotten closer with you this past year, and it’s hard to overcome that you are gone, but I know you are in a better place now! Once a tiger, always a tiger!! Love you Matthew."

"I didn't know him very well...but he was an inspiration and inspired a lot of people to come together. He fought long and hard, never gave up. He had such a positive attitude. He will be missed. I hope we can all be as strong as you are when we each fight our own trials. Rest in Peace Matthew Peters."

"I didn't know you personally, but I know you were a lot stronger than any of us ever will be. My prayers go out to all of your family and friends. Have fun chillin' with Jesus until the rest of us get there. Rest in Paradise."

"You were a blessing. Matthew, my words cannot express all the emotions I have right now. All I know is that I am thankful God gave you the opportunity to change so many lives, and no doubt about it you did. You are immensely loved. We will never forget you. My prayers go out to you and your family."

"I'm going to miss you so much Matthew. I can honestly say you were the kindest, most selfless person I have ever met, and I am so lucky to have been your friend, even if it was for just a short while. You will be so unbelievably missed."

"Matthew, even though it's been years since we've talked, we've known each other since elementary and you were such a sweet kid and everyone was blessed to know you. Obviously God wanted you up there right now for a reason, and I have no doubt you're in the presence of Him now."

"R.I.P. Matthew Peters. I can't believe you're gone. Its a shame that this kind of thing had to happen to one of the nicest people I have ever met. You were always very kind to everyone, and I have never seen or heard anything to disprove that. You were a great person and you deserved a full life. It’s devastating to think it has been cut short. I've never even seen you upset with someone, its always been smiling and laughter. I'll always remember the fun times we had in junior high, and high school. I'll always remember that smiling face. R.I.P. Matthew you will be missed. You were too good for this world."

"Matthew Peters was a very strong person. It just won't be the same without you bro. You're with your Father in Heaven now though, and He has a plan for you as well as all of us. I'll see you when the time comes. RIP buddy."

"I can't even explain what I’m feeling right now. Matt, I miss you so much. I am so sorry that I never changed schools like you wanted me to, but I want you to know how much you mean to me. You are without a doubt one of my greatest friends. You helped me through my hardest times. I only wish I could've been there more for you. I love you. Can't wait to see you again someday. R.I.P Matthew"

"You were such a good friend to me, always smiling, positive, and had such a kind heart. I remember being so excited to have you in my seminary class with me this year. Heavenly Father has a plan for you and I'm eternally grateful for the Plan of Salvation, that families can be together for forever. You're such an inspiration, and Gilbert High will never be the same without you. I will miss you so much, Matthew Peters."

"Back in the day when all we cared about was when are we going to hangout again?!"

"Today is the day that my heart broke... A very close friend of mine, Matthew Peters, lost his battle with cancer today... I am still trying to take in the fact that I will never be to see you again... My emotions are running wild, and I am going through all the amazing times that we've had together. Matthew I will never forget you, and hopefully one day we can see each other again! Love You."

"Today we lost such an unbelievable fighter. Matthew Peters, you truly are an inspiration to us all. I know you will be kept in so many of our hearts due to the amazing young man you were. We all love you Matt, and may you rest peacefully in Heaven looking down on those who have admired you through your unbelievable fight."

"We all loved you so much for who you were for what you stood for. For me, you stood as a figure of perspective. Here I was complaining about homework, when you were going through pain I can't even imagine. I love you so much for what you have taught me. RIP Matthew Peters."

"Rest in Peace Matthew Peters... We all love you so much and you will always be in my heart. You changed Gilbert High students, alumni and faculty. You brought us all closer and made us one! You made us forget about how different we all are, and made us feel like a family! You are someone who will never be forgotten! I love you so much!"

"Rest in peace Matthew Peters, you always put a smile on my face, you were always so positive and kind, and a friend to me. I'm so thankful I came to meet you and get to know you almost three years ago in volleyball. You were an inspiration and the definition of strong hearted. I'll see you Matt."

"I took a long walk down memory lane this morning. I am sharing some of the pictures from that walk. Rhett's friend, Matthew Peters, has been fighting for his life since Sept 1, 2012. What a charming, handsome, strong, happy, (I could go on and on..) We love you Matthew!"

Thank you all for your thoughts, memories and pictures.

I just want to make one thing very clear. Matthew did not lose to cancer. Cancer lost to him. He lives on in an amazing place, and his cancer is dead.

Green

On Friday night, the night before Matthew passed, our stake president, his wife, and two general authorities came to see us in the hospital. We spoke about Matthew's life and his character, and then Elder Haleck offered a prayer. It was a really powerful prayer. He said a lot of comforting things, but one this that really stood out to me was he blessed Matthew that someone he knows and loves would come down to receive him when it is his time to go home. That comforted me a lot because I knew he would never be alone, and the transition would be easy. I like to think that he had a handful of angels waiting with us in his room on Saturday morning. All of our grandparents were probably there.

Elder Jones, Elder Haleck, President and Joanna Layton:

Friday was also a special day for me because that is when I spent a lot of time talking to Matthew alone. I got to tell him a lot of very personal things, and I told him how The Office ended. I know it's stupid, but I couldn't let him leave this earth without knowing how it ended. He only missed the last three or so episodes. Being able to have that time with him and tell him how the show he's been obsessed with for the past nine years ends gave me a lot of closure. I'm at peace knowing that I was able to do that for him. It was the hardest thing I've done, and I cried through the whole thing, but I got to do that for him.

Today at Gilbert High there was a prayer said for Matthew. All of the students gathered in Tiger Hall to listen. My mom went and sister, and she said that she couldn't hear what was said, but she was deeply touched because of how many kids were there. It's special that they did that for Matthew. I bet he was there listening too. Gilbert High, Greenfield Junior High, and Finley Farms Elementary also encouraged their students to wear green in honor of Matthew. That has been his favorite color since he knew colors.

Live for Matthew

Matthew left us today at 11:30. We took all of the tubes out of his throat so he was comfortable, and the doctors gave him a lot of Morphine and Atavan so he didn't feel any pain. After he was unplugged from everything, it only took him about ten minutes to let go. It was so peaceful, and he wasn't alone. He had my parents right there by his head whispering loving words, and he had me to hold his hand. I know that he went with the knowledge that his family loves him, and I know that there were angels in that room with us to take him to his eternal home. I also know that he'll always be with us in spirit, and that he'll be with Chad in Spain helping him with his mission. Watching him pass was the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life, and I know it was probably a million times harder for my parents than it was for me. After he was gone though, I had such a feeling of peace. I know where he went, and knowing that is what gave me that warm feeling after he left. I can't even explain how that felt, but I can picture him with his Father in Heaven and all of the angels up there doing amazing things. I know he is happier than any of us can even imagine. After he passed, I was told that now he can be with me constantly to torment me. Knowing Matthew, that is probably exactly what he'll be doing, and I welcome that. I also know that he'll be there when it is my parent's time, my time, Chad's and Hannah's time to bring us home.

Throughout this whole cancer experience, especially in this last week, we have been praying and praying for a miracle. I've been thinking a lot about how this miracle never came, but now I realize that Matthew was the miracle. His life was the biggest miracle I have ever witnessed. He constantly lived a righteous life, and he was so strong in his last months. It was amazing to watch him fit so much fun into the months since he was diagnosed. Even when he was really sick, he still made it to parties, volleyball games and the movie theatre. Every Sunday he was healthy enough to come to church, he would bless the Sacrament and carry out his other priesthood duties. He is our miracle.

I've also been thinking a lot about my mom today. I know this is the hardest thing she has ever had to go through, and I know it will take a long time to heal, but she got to spend really good quality time with him. She got to spend hours and hours with him ever day in the clinic during chemo therapy, she got to spend time with him when he was neutropenic, and in his last days she got to spend hours whispering her love into his ear. I know this is hard as a mother, but at least she got that. It amazes me about what an eternal perspective her and my dad are having on this as well. My dad tells me all the time that Matthew leaving us is going to make him work 100 times harder to live worthy so he can be with his son again. He knows that we will be with Matthew again, and that we will be so happy. So this is now our perspective. When Matthew first started fighting I made wristbands that said, "Fight for Matthew." That's what we always said, and wearing those bands gave us strength. Now that the fighting is over though, we need to live for Matthew. We need to live for him to honor his amazing memory and to be able to remember that families are eternal and we are sealed to him.

There will be a funeral this coming Friday for Matthew. We don't have details like place or time yet, but I will post that when it's finalized. If you decide to come to the funeral, I just ask you to wear bright colors. It's a sad time because he has left us, but we're celebrating his life, not mourning his death. As his sister, I know he would want this too.

Our family thanks everyone who has, and continues to love, support and pray for us.

Chad, be strong while you serve the Lord. We love you so much, and Matthew does too. He carried your tag with him everywhere he went, and I know he's going to tag along with you in Spain like he tagged along with you while you were home. I know you understand as well as all of us where he is now. Hold on to that. We love you.

Heartbreak

There is no good news today. My parents had a meeting with a team of doctors at 11:00AM, and my dad has typed up the outcome.


“Today was the day when the sugar coating came off. It was the day when Susie and I sat down with our nurse, an intern, the oncologist, the radiologist, the neurologist, the PICU doctor and a palliative representative. It was a meeting that we both were trying to put off, postpone, and avoid at all cost.

Now this is where it gets hard.

Matthews’s brain stem and brain is infected with what everyone believes to be AML (Acute Myeloid Leukemia). It is very hard to pinpoint and be 100% certain without a biopsy, but all indicators are pointing in that direction. The neurologist explained that typically when this happens one of the first signs is that the person seems to “shut down.” Several weeks ago while on the Oncology floor, shortly after we admitted Matthew again, this started to happen. At a shift change, the nurse commented to me that Matthew was not responding to anything. As the PICU doctor was brought up to examine him I saw the look on his face, and we immediately brought him down to the ICU. Since that time he hasn’t spoken, and has been unresponsive to most commands.  He would always listen to Susie when she asked him to squeeze her hand, blink, and perform other simple skills, and his face would grimace in pain when he was moved in the bed.  The looks of pain as he gets moved on a continuous basis have slowly gone away. We don’t know if the chemotherapy is doing its job or if there are other factors involved.

One of the second signs that the brain stem is being attacked is that the eyes seem to go off into a stare, cannot follow simple exercises of following an object, and tend not to coordinate with each other in looking at things. This is currently happening.

A third sign is that complications with breathing are introduced. In reading the blog it is known that he has been intubated for about a week. His breathing patterns are not normal and very difficult, especially with the presence of blood and fluid in his left lung.  Matthew has breathing treatments several times a day which helps in a variety of ways, but twice recently it has caused his blood pressure to rapidly drop. Both times it has been corrected.

There are other things happening to Matthew which directly parallels a brain stem with AML.

The treatment for AML has been chemotherapy and radiation. Chemotherapy is not really able to penetrate the brain to effectively attack and kill the leukemia, which leads us to radiation. Matthew had two treatments of radiation on his brain and brain stem last week in an attempt to kill the AML. The time frame to see if the radiation did what it was meant to do has come and gone with no visible results. Leukemia has an ability to hide out, which makes it very difficult to find. An analogy was given about this, and it’s just like when you find one cockroach you know that somewhere there are fifty more of them hiding in the cracks of the house, not just the one you found.

When they found the AML in his spinal fluids there was a very good chance that it had spread to his brain stem. With the Lumbar Punctures (Spinal Taps) that he had, the doctors were able to eliminate the AML in his spine, but they feared it traveled to his brain stem.

Radiation on the brain and brain stem cannot be directly targeted to the AML. The entire area has to be “dusted” with several rounds of radiation in a short period of time. The downside is that if we do more radiation, there will be more brain cells killed than AML cells, which is not an option.

So for now the treatment is status quo. What happens to Matthew has been taken out of our hands with the inability to perform radiation to his brain stem without causing harm to other areas.

Throughout this whole trial both Susie and I have been well aware of the best and worst scenarios. We would often look at each other with eyes that expressed both hope and fear and knew exactly what each other thought without having to say a word. We knew that if the Lord wanted Matthew back, then he would take him.  We would both stay at the hospital around the clock as we are now for the next year to get our son back, but reality is starting to set in. Our hopes and prayers are for a miracle. One large enough to send the heads of the doctors spinning.  The next day to several days will be the real sign to see if Matthew continues to head the same direction, or if there is a small sign of improvement.

We love all of you who have supported us in this trial. We have felt the power of fasting, prayer, hope and service in more ways that can ever be expressed.

If ever there was a time to dig deep and exercise faith in prayer, it is now.

Mike, Susie, Jenelle, Chad and Hannah”

My heart is heavy, and there have been a lot of tears today. This news is very difficult to receive. The one blessing that I can see right now though, is that Matthew never knew he was this sick. While he was conscious he never knew there was a chance he might not survive his disease. I'm so thankful that he was spared from having that cloud constantly hanging over him since he was diagnosed in September. This is a bitter time, but we just have to press on knowing that if the Lord wants to take Matthew now, we'll see him again someday because he has truly lived the best life.

Drama Week

Wednesday, May 16th

It's only Wednesday, but it feels like this week has stretched through a decade. It's been a really hard one. On Monday I had food poisoning, but I got a call from Joanna Layton telling me that Matthew wasn't doing good, and that I had to go get Hannah and rush to the hospital. So I dragged my sick self down there to be with my family. Matthew wasn't doing good, but by the time I got there he was stabilized. The problem was that he was bleeding from placed he shouldn't have been bleeding, and they couldn't figure out why. I'm still foggy on why he was bleeding, but I think it had something to do with the dialysis machine consuming his  platelets. I'm not sure, but the point is that it was scary. Now they're giving him meds to break up the blood in his left lung, and it seems to be working. Slowly but surely.

Tuesday was pretty neutral, but today was another bad one. I got a call from my dad around 12:30 saying that he spoke with an ICU doctor over the phone, and the doc said he didn't think T was going to make it through to the morning because his body his blood pressure kept dropping along with other issues he was having. Of course I broke down into an emotional wreck, so I went and picked up Jarrett from work and took him to his dad's house. Then I started driving to my dad's house to pick up my husband and go to the hospital, but as soon as I got on the freeway my tire blew. Worst timing ever for that to happen. I called my dad and he said that Pete Nicolds was on his way to help me, but as I was waiting a cop pulled up to help. He probably thought I was a ridiculous mess because I was blubbering over a popped tire, because he left as soon as he could. Anyways, Pete got there and changed my tire really fast. I bought a new tire and drove to the hospital. I can't even explain the feeling I had riding up the elevator to his floor. I thought I was on my way to say goodbye to my little brother, which is the worst feeling ever. I'm not ready for that. I got to his room, and they had just stabilized him. He dipped really low, but he pulled out of it again. He was the most responsive I had seen him all week when I got there, and his skin coloring even looked better. He was moving his head a little on his own, and his eyes moved to look at me when I talked to him.

This whole experience is seriously like a roller coaster. I have never felt an up then down of emotions as fast as I have this past week. The up is slow though. It's like we wait forever for the car to click up to the top of the tracks, and then right when we're feeling good we get shot down too fast for our mind to totally realize what happened. Matthew is looking better now, and we're slowly clicking back up the tracks. I'm really sick of this roller coaster though and would love for it to end. I just want to reach the top and stop.

To lighten it up a bit, last week Gilbert High volleyball had their state championship game. My dad went, and he said that before one of the games everyone was chanting, "Win for Matthew!" A lot of people also went up to him asking about Matthew. He was moved by how many people care for T.

I still have faith that Matthew can beat this. This week has been the worst, but he's got this. No more surprises though, okay Matthew?

Happy Mother's Day!

Happy mothers day to all of you moms and future moms! I hope your Sunday was great. Ours was pretty good because we got to Skype with Chad around 9:30AM. It was so cool talking to him, but then the hospital's internet connection went out and we lost. We only got to talk to him for about 30 minutes. He did get to call back later though and talk to mom for a while longer. He looked great and sounded happy. He's the same silly Chad we all know and love.

I didn't post yesterday because nothing happened. It was pretty uneventful, which was good. However, today was eventful. Later in the afternoon Matthew's oxygen levels went way down, so they had to put the breathing tube back down his throat so he could breathe. They did an xray of his chest to see what exactly the problem was, and they found that his right lung was totally clear, but his left lung was full of blood and mucus that was lodged and blocking his airway. The blood in his lungs is from his mouth sores. Tomorrow they are going to do a few things to clear it, and then I think they're going to let him wake up and take the tube back out. We'll see what happens though. For now, they are keeping him asleep. Not the best way to end Mother's Day...

This isn't the best picture of Chad, but the internet connection was bad so the picture was really pixelated.

There is a really cool nurse at the hospital named Koy, and last week she was named best nurse or something like that. She was the only one in the whole hospital who got this honor, so my dad made her a crown that said Queen Nurse. Congrats Koy!

I forgot to post this after his port was removed, so here it is. When he had the port inside of him, we could feel the white tube in his neck.

This totally fits Matthew's situation.

It's kind of hard to read, so in case anyone has trouble it says:

"They lied to us.
This was supposed to be the future.
Where is my jetpack,
Where is my robotic companion,
Where is my food in pill form,
Where is my hydrogen fueled automobile,
Where is my nuclear-powered levitating house,
Where is my cure for this disease."

We Will NEVER Quit.

This was a really special day for me because I am now officially done with school! Today I graduated from ASU with my Bachelor's in English Literature and a minor in communication. I participated in the convocation ceremony, and it was really fun. My husband, parents, and Hannah were able to go watch and support me. It would have been cool to have my brothers there too, but they were there in spirit. Graduating from ASU was an amazing feeling. Today was also special because I got my dad to do something way out of his comfort zone. I got him to wear an ASU shirt. It took four years of work in college, but I got him in an ASU shirt...in public. It was a demonstration of true fatherly love. It was awesome. If you don't know my dad, just know that he loves U of A. Nothing more needs to be said.

Behold, the look of shame:

(I know he's going to kill me for posting this picture, but I will accept that. My death will have been for a worthy cause.)

Matthew also had a special day today. He woke up! It was amazing. He woke up and was extremely agitated because of the breathing tube down his throat. He was awake for almost an hour before the nurses and doctors decided that he was breathing well enough on his own to have it removed. It was really sad though because when we were waiting for it to come out he was stressing out really bad and jerking his head to try and get away from it. He also gagged on it a lot, and tried to pull his hands away from me and my mom while we were holding him. But...it was good that he was so alert, and he was pulling away from our hands with actual strength. We had to keep quite a grip on him. This is the most alert he has been since he went to the ICU. Once the breathing tube was out, he even coughed up the bloody mucus that built in his throat while the tube was there on his own. This is a big deal because the last time they took the tube out, they had to use a machine to make him cough it out. He still has mouth sores, but they don't look terrible. I shined a light and looked in his mouth today, and it's looking pretty good in there. 

Oh, and here's another cool thing that happened today...Exactly 24 hours after T's radiology, (give or take a few minutes) he woke up and was more alert than ever. The nurses were amazed and excited by this.

Anyways, Matthew has been getting these weird blood blister spots in various places on his body, so the nurses took a sample of one on his foot to test. They're just going to make sure it's not a fungus or anything dangerous. I'm sure they are nothing to worry about.

We put my grad cap on him when we got there. He's supporting ASU too!

Now you see it...

...Now you don't! The tube is out and he is coughing away! He still has humidified oxygen being given to him through his nose, but they are slowly lowering what they give him until he's fine on his own.

Radioactive

Today was a good day. They took Matthew on a field trip to Good Sam's for his radiation, and that went smoothly. A handful of different kind of doctors went with him, and my mom rode over with him in the ambulance. The radiation itself only lasted about 2-3 minutes, and then they took him back to PCH. They gave him what they called critical radiation, which was two doses of radiation at once because he is too unstable to transport back and forth for treatments. My dad rode back with him. The doctors said we should see improvement in a day or two. While T was gone, the nurses moved him to another room with a bed, so now my dad might be able to actually get some sleep at night! Before he was sleeping on a very uncomfortable chair that reclined a lot, but not flat. Matthew is now breathing easier and is more comfortable. (Probably because he is now radioactive. Maybe he will get super powers!)

We still don't know for sure if there is cancer on the brain stem, but I don't think they'll know any of that until his kidneys are capable of handling the dye for the MRI machine. The radiology should take care of that though. All in all, today was a way better day than yesterday.

In this picture, they are trying to figure out all the tubes and medicines that need to go with him, and what needs to stay.

They're working to turn a simple gurney into a portable intensive care unit:

He always has at least one parent with him.

It is now an ICU ready for take off:

One Step Foreword, Two Steps Back

Today was not a very good day...I don't have very many details, so I'll just tell you what I know until I figure it all out tomorrow. I know that Matthew is back to being unresponsive, and he has a machine that completely breathes for him. Like the machine that people with sleep apnea use. He'll open his eyes sometimes, but it is rare. The doctors think he might have cancer on his brainstem, but that is very inconclusive. Nothing is certain. However, tomorrow they are having a radiation doctor from the Good Samaritan Hospital come to look at Matthew, and they might ambulance him to Good Sam's to get radiation. Don't freak out because nothing is for sure, it's all speculation and caution. They would know for sure, but they weren't able to use dye with his MRI yesterday because his kidneys couldn't handle it. Again, don't freak yet because nothing is conclusive, but pray like crazy. I have faith that everything will be fine, but if it is what the doctors are guessing, it's still treatable. And even with this set back, there is still a ton of hope. Today Dr. Williams told my mom that AML patients do really well with radiology and that it can bring them back to responsiveness. Thanks for keeping tabs on T.

No More Darth

T's breathing tube was removed yesterday afternoon around 4:30PM! So he no longer sounds like Darth Vader breathing in and out.
Today he's been slowly regaining consciousness, but he still can't talk and he's still in a lot of pain. He went in for an MRI this evening for a detailed scan to look for lesions, yeast, fluid, etc. The ICU doctors are stressing that something is wrong with him, but his oncology doctor is confident everything is fine. He said that it's normal for kids to take a while to talk and do other basic things when they are coming out of comas. His nurses were proud of him today though because all day he has been trying to tell them that something is wrong with him, but they couldn't figure it out. He made a lot of weird, stressed kind of noises with his throat, and he pointed to his throat, but he didn't say that it hurt. Finally, right before his MRI my mom asked if he had to spit because he started making weird noises again. He nodded yes, so she told him to spit. He started to spit up a huge glob of blood, so my dad finished pulling it out. It was a solid glob of blood about the size of a newborn's hand, according to my mom. I wasn't there for that, thank goodness. It sounds disgusting, but his nurses were proud that he was able to keep that glob out of his airway, and that he was able to spit it up on his own. Now we're just waiting for the MRI results, but I know they'll be good.

Breathing tube coming out:

He's looking better and better every day!  Don't worry Chad, everything is going good here in the states.

Coma Kid

Today Matthew's eyes are still open! Well, kind of. He's medically sedated because he is in a very bad mood. When all of the nurses and doctors were in the hall talking about his needs, T's eyes shot wide open and he went to rip out his breathing tube. He's really mad that he has tubes down his throat. His brain activity on the EKG machine is reading lower than normal, but that is because his spinal fluid has regenerated. I guess that fluid regenerates quickly, so he is on meds to slow it down. He has his last spinal tap today with chemo, and they will drain more fluid when they do that. Today they have turned his breathing machine to a different mode, so he's breathing completely on his own. All the machine is doing is providing pressure support so his lungs don't collapse. They're turning the pressure support down too though. They're hoping to pull his tube out tonight, but if not then definitely tomorrow. His dialysis and pick lines are still coming back negative of yeast infection, which is good. They're going to continue running tests on those lines for 48 hours to make sure no infection starts growing.

I'm at the hospital right now, and when I got here Matthew opened his eyes for me a little. I had to coax him to open them because he is so out of it, but he opened them. I stood by him and told him about things that happened during the week both at home and in the hospital, but it wasn't until I started telling him that he's missed a few Office episodes that he opened his eyes wider. I told him that he's missed a lot, and that when he wakes up he can watch them on my computer because I have Hulu Plus. As I told him that his blood pressure went up as well, so the nurse came in wondering what I was talking to him about because she was watching his levels on the computer right outside his room. Oh Matthew...you're still the same, even when you're barely with us.

Last week, the doctors considered T to be in a comatose state. That's crazy to think that he was in a coma, but now that he's waking up and everything is looking good, I think it was a blessing that he had checked out for the week. I can't wait until he fully wakes and is able to talk though because I have a ton of questions to ask him about what he remembers and the thoughts he was having when he was out.

Good Morning Sunshine!

Fasting works. Today Matthew woke up. I can't even believe how quickly this fast worked. His lines are also yeast free, and we're hoping they stay that way. T's not happy about being awake because he's in a lot of pain, but this is progress. Another great thing is that his spinal fluid levels are almost back to normal. Today they pushed Matthew's feeding tube deeper into his stomach to try to get his bowels to start working again, and moved his breathing tube from the right side of his mouth to the left. They hadn't moved the tube since they put it in, so his mouth has a sore where it was sitting. The tube was completely stuck to his mouth with blood, so they had to soak it off. The respiratory therapist he had today said the previous respiratory therapists should have been moving that tube from one side to the other every day, so my parents are kind of frustrated about that. The doctors are hoping to have his breathing tube completely out on Tuesday though! I think he'll be able to move from the ICU to the cancer floor shortly after the tube comes out. This is going to be a great week of progress. I can't wait for all of the good things to come.

He doesn't look too great, but he will soon!

Feeding tube in his stomach:

Prafos

This morning at 8:00 Matthew had his bronchoscopy. It was a really fast procedure, lasting only about 10-15 minutes. Everything with that went well, and they said his lung tissue looks good. They sent the cultures they got from his lungs down to be tested. This afternoon Matthew also had to have his broviac tube removed because there is yeast growing in there, and it sticks to the plastic so it's really hard to get out. That was also a quick procedure, and it went smoothly.

This afternoon before my mom got to the hospital I did play that Kid Rock song for Matthew. It was funny because as soon as it started playing, his arms started twitching, his breathing got heavier, and the nurse said that his blood pressure was going up. I held his hand and told him to squeeze me if he wanted the music to stop. His hand twitched, but I told him that wasn't good enough to stop the music. As soon as I said that I felt more of a definite squeeze. When I stopped the music, he calmed down and his blood pressure went down. It was really funny and got a great reaction. It was cool to see that his personality is still there, even though he can't really show us right now. When my mom got to the hospital this afternoon, T opened up his eyes more than he ever has since he fell into the state he is currently in. He turned his head a little to look at us, and we could tell that he was seeing us. It was amazing to see that, and we're just hoping he continues to slowly come back to us.

Tomorrow for fast Sunday, we are fasting for Matthew. The doctors found yeast growing in his dialysis and pick lines, so we are praying that they can kill it before they need to take the lines out. He really needs those lines. I'm not sure what they will do if they have to remove them. They might have to find another site to put them in, or they might not be able to put them back in at all. I'm not really sure, but we're just praying they can get the yeast out.

Today T got really stylish boots called Prafos so that he won't get drop foot. The blue things right above the gray boots are to prevent blood clots in his legs.

Slumber Party

I could never be a nurse or do anything medical. I can't stand the sight of blood. I've been at the hospital all day today, and every time I go stand by T's bed to watch him or talk to him I get queasy. He bleeds from his mouth every now and then because he has mouth sores in there, and sometimes they suck the blood out of his throat because it pools. Watching anything remotely close to that makes me light headed and weak feeling, and I have to go sit down on the other side of the room. I guess I'm a wimp, but whatever...I can't handle it.

They did his spinal tap today, and they were able to do the procedure right in his room. It was successful, and they were able to get chemo in there and drain a good amount of spinal fluid. He still has a good amount of fluid left, but it's all about the baby steps! Hasn't anyone seen What About Bob??

The nurses found some yeast in his breathing tube today, which is normal to find there, but they also did a scan and saw fluffy white stuff in his lungs. They think it's yeast in his lungs, but they're not certain. Tomorrow they're going to do a bronchoscopy to make sure, but until then they are giving him some kind of anti-fungal medicine. This medicine is really easy on the organs, so his body should tolerate it nicely. A bronchoscopy includes them taking a small camera and running it down into his lungs through his breathing tube. They'll look around and then put a type of saline that has a fancy name into his lungs to flush them, and then they'll suck it back out and test what comes out. They're really concerned about T getting an infection because his counts are either very low or at zero, and AML patients are extra susceptible to infections.

I always like to do a little bit of research about procedures that I don't know about so I know exactly what they will be doing to T. During my research of a bronchoscopy, I found some really cool pictures of the bronchoscope they'll be using. If you Youtube search "bronchoscopy," you can actually watch procedures that others have had. I asked the nurses if the doctors will record T's procedure, and they said that they probably will to take pictures from it. One of the nurses said that if we asked, they might download the video they take for us. I think that would be awesome, but we'll see what happens...I will definitely put it up on the blog if I get it though. Fingers crossed!

I really like this picture because they have everything labeled.

"Real life" version:

Chad had a trainer in his first area (Sevilla) named Elder Banbury. They had a lot in common and came to be really good friends. We heard a lot of stories about the two of them through email and got pictures. Well, Elder Banbury (now Parker Banbury) just got home from his mission yesterday, and decided that he wanted to come down and see Matthew today. The first thing he wanted to do when he got home was meet Matthew because he said that Chad said so many good things about him on the mission before and after he got sick. Chad and Matthew have always had the best relationship. So tonight we had the pleasure of finally meeting Parker and his entire family. He came with his parents and two sisters. Hey Chad, Parker has a really cool family and I think you will really like them when you get home. They're really laid back like us, but I'm sure Parker has already told you all about them.

Parker brought a sword home from Chad that Chad had purchased a while ago. Chad didn't tell any of us that he bought T a sword, so it was a total surprise to all of us. Parker and his family smuggled the sword into the hospital in a camping chair bag, which was awesome. In T's room, he laid the sword across T's chest, and when a nurse came in and saw that she got a little freaked out. We could tell that Matthew was trying really hard to open his eyes to see everyone, but he can't quite do that yet. Watching him struggle is very sad, but the good thing is that the neurologist said he won't remember anything. While the Banbury family was here we talked about Chad and his crazy adventures when he was home, and other good times. It was a fun visit. And Parker, welcome home!

I'm sleeping at the hospital tonight so my parents can have a break. It's not as fun a slumber party as our last one, but I'm still glad to be here for my brother. It's very quiet, and all I have to listen to are the machines and nurses opening things and pushing buttons.. I don't know how this poor kid can stay sane with all of the noises around him. We have his ipod playing constantly near his head during the day to try to drown out the hospital sounds, but they are still irritating after so many hours.

Parker Banbury and T:

It was cool to see how loving Parker was towards Matthew. He has never met him before, but he was holding his hand and stood by his side for a really long time. I was really touched watching Parker's love towards his friend's little brother/best friend.

Matthew hates country music, especially the song "All Summer Long" by Kid Rock. He hates that song more that anything. Well we're all about getting reactions out of Matthew to show that he is responsive, so I was thinking...maybe I can play that song for him to see what he does. My mom said absolutely not, but...she's not here anymore. Plus, it's kind of my responsibility as his sister to pick on him, even when he has cancer. It will give him a sense of how things used to be back in the good old days.

Cindy Johnson made this really cool gift for Matthew. She had a lot of families from the Crossroads Park Ward go over to her house to sign these amazing paper flowers she made. They were really colorful and cute, and they all said really nice things on them. Crossroads Park Ward is the best. I'm trying really hard to love my new ward, but it's hard because of what I left. By the way CPW family and Chad, me and Sakeri just got a calling in the nursery...there are 18 kids. There will be two other couples to help us out though. (I think). Anyways, thank you Cindy and CPW!

Many people have been bringing things like treats, inspirational gifts, etc., but it's so hard to take pictures of them while I'm not living with my parents anymore. Just know that my family keeps a journal of what people bring and we are very thankful for everything. You are not forgotten, it's just almost impossible to get everything up on this blog.