A Light at the End of This Very Dark Tunnel is Starting to Show

So Matthew is doing a lot better today. His nurse said that his labs are looking good and that the dialysis is already doing wonders for his kidneys. He will be on a continuous dialysis for three days, and then he'll switch to a semi continuous dialysis until his kidneys are where the doctors want them to be. He will also be getting spinal taps to shoot chemo at the cancer in there twice a week until he is cancer free...that will probably be the worst for him. Now that the dialysis is working, the nurses can slowly start taking meds off of his med tower, and they think he should start waking up in a few days. He will finish this round of chemo either today or tomorrow, and then after that we are just waiting for his kidneys and the rest of his body to recover enough to go home. We're probably looking at about five more weeks in the hospital. He has a lot of mouth sores right now from the chemo, but those will start healing when chemo is over. This chemo is a lot harsher than the ones he has been getting since September, so we expect that he will start having the normal chemo reactions like vomiting,  mouth sores, loss of apetite, loss of energy, etc. Let's hope he proves us wrong though!

There are two nurses assigned to Matthew at all times because he is high priority. He has to be watched very closely because anything could happen at any moment. My parents love his nurses too. They take such good care of T and are visually compassionate towards him. They talk very sweetly to him and touch him very softly. My mom said that she can tell they love him by the way they treat him. His nurses ask to see pictures of him all the time. They like seeing pictures of when he was healthy and when he was healthier since being diagnosed with cancer. They can't get over how handsome he was and still is, and have asked my dad to bring pictures of him and hang them in the room. Having nurses like the ones we have now make experiences like this a lot better. It's also a huge comfort because we know that he is high priority to them not just because the chart says so, but because they really care about him.

After his surgery yesterday, he was really messy with blood and etc., so today they have cleaned him up really well and he looks really comfortable. Things are looking brighter today...let's hope it continues that way.

Just as a side note, I wanted to mention something incredible that has happened...Today there have already been over 400 views of this blog. These views are happening in various countries. Matthew literally has an army behind him. Thank you for reading and caring about my brother.

My aunt, Julie, was looking through her old wedding photos the other day and came across this picture of Matthew. He was so cute! It's fun to look back through old pictures.

On Sunday night, Matthew's prom date, Mackenzie, and her mom came to see him. They stayed for over an hour talking to my dad. It was cool because Mackenzie brought T her corsage, framed prom pictures and a card. That was really thoughtful of her because Matthew had lost his boutonniere at the dance. They left right before the ICU drama began.

This afternoon, the doctors figured out why Matthew is so sleepy. He has too much spinal fluid in his spinal cord, and it is putting pressure against the part of the brain that controls sleeping. This is bad because if they can't relieve the pressure he will have a stroke. However, this is good because it is an easy fix...well, it would have been if Matthew wasn't the patient. But of course he has to make everything way more difficult than it needs to be. To fix this pressure, they were going to put a drain from his spinal cord to his stomach, so that the fluid can continuously drain. However, when they went in to do the procedure today, they found that he was too swollen to put the drain in. So instead of the drain he is on some meds that should help the excess fluid drain. The dialysis should help this too, but we don't know how long that will take, and we need to fix him asap before he strokes. So now we are praying for the meds to work so he doesn't have a stroke. There is always something new to pray for.

T's dialysis machine until Thursday:

We got some really great news today! The doctors found that his spine is now cleared of cancer! So he just has to get two more spinal taps with chemo, and then he'll be done. Thank goodness! Also, my mom told me that he opened his eyes a little bit today. Only a crack, and just for a second, but he opened them. He also squeezed her hand a little when she told him to. It's nice of him to let us know he is still in there. I am very confident that Matthew is going to make a lot of progress in the next week. We've hit the bottom, and now the only place to go is up and up!

(This is my 100th post!)

Tender Mercies

The surgery went well! The main concern about the procedure was the doctors not being able to stop his bleeding because his platelets were so low, but the doctors said he bled like any other patient. That was quite a relief. We were all very scared, so this news was amazing to hear. Now we're just waiting for his MRI results and for the tests to figure out why he is sleeping.

He is still unresponsive and sleeping, but I think that is a tender mercy from the Lord. I think Matthew has had it really hard, and now is his time to catch a break from the pain during all of this new stuff he is going through. It would be a lot harder to watch him go through this if he were awake and alert because spinal taps are extremely painful, and he has already had two. Who knows how many more he will have. He also has mouth sores. As long as there is nothing serious that is causing him too sleep so much, I think it is a blessing he gets to sleep through everything. I wonder if he dreams.

Message from Chad and Late Thank You's

This morning we got an email from Chad, and we got some great news. He just got transferred to Malaga, Spain, and he is now a zone leader. We are very proud of him! He also sent a link to an article by David A. Bednar, which I have posted below because it is very relevant to our situation. Yes it's a really long article, but I've copied and pasted it to the blog anyways for the sake of the book I will turn the blog into when this is all over. Here is the link as well: https://www.lds.org/broadcasts/article/ces-devotionals/2013/01/that-we-might-not-shrink-d-c-19-18?lang=eng

That We Might "Not Shrink" (D&C 19:18

David A. Bednar
Of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

CES Devotional for Young Adults • March 3, 2013 • University of Texas Arlington

I am grateful to participate in this devotional with young people of the Church from all over the world. I love you and appreciate this opportunity to worship together.

Susan has spoken and testified of important principles, and each of us will be blessed and strengthened as we apply consistently her teachings in our daily lives. Susan is a righteous woman, an elect lady, and the love of my life.

I have pondered and earnestly petitioned our Heavenly Father to know how I might best be able to serve you tonight. I pray the power of the Holy Ghost will be with each of us—that we may think what we need to think, feel what we need to feel, and learn what we need to learn so we can do what we know we should do and ultimately become what the Lord yearns for us to become.

A Devoted Disciple and an Example of Not Shrinking

Elder Neal A. Maxwell was a beloved disciple of the Lord Jesus Christ. He served as a member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles for 23 years, from 1981 to 2004. The spiritual power of his teachings and his example of faithful discipleship blessed and continue to bless in marvelous ways the members of the Savior’s restored Church and the people of the world.

In October of 1997, Sister Bednar and I hosted Elder and Sister Maxwell at Brigham Young University–Idaho. Elder Maxwell was to speak to the students, staff, and faculty in a devotional assembly. Everyone on the campus eagerly anticipated his visit to the university and earnestly prepared to receive his message.

Earlier in that same year, Elder Maxwell underwent 46 days and nights of debilitating chemotherapy for leukemia. Shortly after completing his treatments and being released from the hospital, he spoke briefly in the April general conference of the Church. His rehabilitation and continued therapy progressed positively through the spring and summer months, but Elder Maxwell’s physical strength and stamina were nonetheless limited when he traveled to Rexburg. After greeting Elder and Sister Maxwell at the airport, Susan and I drove them to our home for rest and a light lunch before the devotional.

During the course of our conversations that day, I asked Elder Maxwell what lessons he had learned through his illness. I will remember always the precise and penetrating answer he gave. “Dave,” he said, “I have learned that not shrinking is more important than surviving.”

His response to my inquiry was a principle with which he had gained extensive personal experience during his chemotherapy. As Elder Maxwell and his wife were driving to the hospital in January of 1997, on the day he was scheduled to begin his first round of treatment, they pulled into the parking lot and paused for a private moment together. Elder Maxwell “breathed a deep sigh and looked at [his wife]. He reached for her hand and said … , ‘I just don’t want to shrink’” (Bruce C. Hafen, A Disciple’s Life: The Biography of Neal A. Maxwell [2002], 16).

In his October 1997 general conference message, entitled “Apply the Atoning Blood of Christ,” Elder Maxwell taught with great authenticity: “As we confront our own … trials and tribulations, we too can plead with the Father, just as Jesus did, that we ‘might not … shrink’—meaning to retreat or to recoil (D&C 19:18). Not shrinking is much more important than surviving! Moreover, partaking of a bitter cup without becoming bitter is likewise part of the emulation of Jesus” (Ensign, Nov. 1997, 22).

Elder Maxwell’s answer to my question caused me to reflect on the teachings of Elder Orson F. Whitney, who also served as a member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles: “No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude and humility. All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure patiently, builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable, more worthy to be called the children of God … and it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we come here to acquire” (quoted in Spencer W. Kimball, Faith Precedes the Miracle [1972], 98).

And these scriptures concerning the Savior’s suffering as He offered the infinite and eternal atoning sacrifice became even more poignant and meaningful to me:

“Therefore I command you to repent—repent, lest I smite you by the rod of my mouth, and by my wrath, and by my anger, and your sufferings be sore—how sore you know not, how exquisite you know not, yea, how hard to bear you know not.

“For behold, I, God, have suffered these things for all, that they might not suffer if they would repent;

“But if they would not repent they must suffer even as I;

“Which suffering caused myself, even God, the greatest of all, to tremble because of pain, and to bleed at every pore, and to suffer both body and spirit—and would that I might not drink the bitter cup, and shrink—

“Nevertheless, glory be to the Father, and I partook and finished my preparations unto the children of men” (D&C19:15–19).

The Savior did not shrink in Gethsemane or on Golgotha.

Elder Maxwell also did not shrink. This mighty Apostle pressed forward steadfastly and was blessed with additional time in mortality to love, to serve, to teach, and to testify. Those concluding years of his life were an emphatic exclamation point to his example of devoted discipleship—through both his words and his deeds.

I believe most of us likely would expect a man with the spiritual capacity, experience, and stature of Elder Maxwell to face serious illness and death with an understanding of God’s plan of happiness, with assurance and grace, and with dignity. And he surely did. But my purpose today is to bear witness that such blessings are not reserved exclusively for General Authorities or for a select few members of the Church.

Since my call to fill the vacancy in the Quorum of the Twelve created by the death of Elder Maxwell, my assignments and travels have enabled me to become acquainted with faithful, courageous, and valiant Latter-day Saints all over the world. I want to tell you about one young man and one young woman who have blessed my life and with whom I have learned spiritually vital lessons about not shrinking and about allowing our individual will to be “swallowed up in the will of the Father” (Mosiah 15:7).

The account is true, and the characters are real. I will not, however, use the actual names of the individuals who are involved. I refer to the young man as John and the young woman as Heather. I also use with permission selected statements from their personal journals.

Not My Will but Thine Be Done

John is a worthy priesthood holder and served faithfully as a full-time missionary. After returning home from his mission, he dated and married a righteous and wonderful young woman, Heather. John was 23 and Heather was 20 on the day they were sealed together for time and for all eternity in the house of the Lord. Please keep in mind the respective ages of John and Heather as this story unfolds.

Approximately three weeks after their temple marriage, John was diagnosed with bone cancer. As cancer nodules also were discovered in his lungs, the prognosis was not good.

John recorded in his journal: “This was the scariest day of my life. Not only because I was told I had cancer, but also because I was newly married and somehow felt that I had failed as a husband. I was the provider and protector of our new family, and now—three weeks into that role—I felt like I had failed. I know that thought is absurd, but it is one of the crazy things I told myself in a moment of crisis.”

Heather noted: “This was devastating news, and I remember how greatly it changed our perspectives. I was in a hospital waiting room writing wedding thank-you notes as we anticipated the results of [John’s] tests. But after learning about [John’s] cancer, crock-pots and cookware did not seem so important anymore. This was the worst day of my life, but I remember going to bed that night with gratitude for our temple sealing. Though the doctors had given [John] only a 30 percent chance of survival, I knew that if we remained faithful I had a 100 percent chance to be with him forever.”

Approximately one month later John began chemotherapy. He described his experience: “The treatments caused me to be sicker than I had ever been in my life. I lost my hair, dropped 41 pounds, and my body felt like it was falling apart. The chemotherapy also affected me emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Life was a rollercoaster during the months of chemo with highs, lows, and everything in between. But through it all, [Heather] and I maintained the faith that God would heal me. We just knew it.”

Heather chronicled her thoughts and feelings: “I could not stand to let [John] spend the night alone in the hospital, so I would sleep every night on the small couch in his room. We had lots of friends and family visit during the day, but the nights were the hardest. I would stare at the ceiling and wonder what Heavenly Father had planned for us. Sometimes my mind would wander into dark places, and my fear of losing [John] would almost overtake me. But I knew these thoughts were not from Heavenly Father. My prayers for comfort became more frequent, and the Lord gave me the strength to keep going.”

Three months later John underwent a surgical procedure to remove a large tumor in his leg. John stated: “The surgery was a huge deal for us because pathology tests were to be run on the tumor to see how much of it was viable and how much of the cancer was dead. This analysis would give us the first indication of the effectiveness of the chemotherapy and of how aggressive we would need to be with future treatments.”

Two days following the operation, I visited John and Heather in the hospital. We talked about the first time I met John in the mission field, about their marriage, about the cancer, and about the eternally important lessons we learn through the trials of mortality. As we concluded our time together, John asked if I would give him a priesthood blessing. I responded that I gladly would give such a blessing, but I first needed to ask some questions.

I then posed questions I had not planned to ask and had never previously considered: “[John,] do you have the faith not to be healed? If it is the will of our Heavenly Father that you are transferred by death in your youth to the spirit world to continue your ministry, do you have the faith to submit to His will and not be healed?”

I frankly was surprised by the questions I felt prompted to ask this particular couple. Frequently in the scriptures, the Savior or His servants exercised the spiritual gift of healing (see 1 Corinthians 12:9;D&C 35:9; 46:20) and perceived that an individual had the faith to be healed (see Acts 14:9; 3 Nephi 17:8; D&C 46:19). But as John and Heather and I counseled together and wrestled with these questions, we increasingly understood that if God’s will were for this good young man to be healed, then that blessing could only be received if this valiant couple first had the faith not to be healed. In other words, John and Heather needed to overcome, through the Atonement of the Lord Jesus Christ, the “natural man” (Mosiah 3:19) tendency in all of us to demand impatiently and insist incessantly on the blessings we want and believe we deserve.

We recognized a principle that applies to every devoted disciple: strong faith in the Savior is submissively accepting of His will and timing in our lives—even if the outcome is not what we hoped for or wanted. Certainly, John and Heather would desire, yearn, and plead for healing with all of their might, mind, and strength. But more importantly, they would be “willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon [them], even as a child doth submit to his father” (Mosiah 3:19). Indeed, they would be willing to “offer [their] whole souls as an offering unto him” (Omni 1:26) and humbly pray, “Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done” (Luke 22:42).

What initially seemed to John, Heather, and me to be perplexing questions became part of a pervasive pattern of gospel paradoxes. Consider the admonition of the Savior: “He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it” (Matthew 10:39). He also declared, “But many that are first shall be last; and the last shall be first” (Matthew 19:30). And the Lord counseled His latter-day disciples, “By thy word many high ones shall be brought low, and by thy word many low ones shall be exalted” (D&C 112:8). Thus, having the faith to not be healed seemed to fit appropriately into a powerful pattern of penetrating paradoxes that require us to ask, to seek, and to knock that we might receive knowledge and understanding (see 3 Nephi 14:7).

After taking the necessary time to ponder my inquiries and to talk with his wife, John said to me: “Elder Bednar, I do not want to die. I do not want to leave [Heather]. But if the will of the Lord is to transfer me to the spirit world, then I guess I am good with that.” My heart swelled with appreciation and admiration as I witnessed this young couple confront the most demanding of all spiritual struggles—the submissive surrender of their wills to God’s will. My faith was strengthened as I witnessed this couple allowing their strong and understandable desires for healing to be “swallowed up in the will of the Father” (Mosiah 15:7).

John described his reaction to our conversation and the blessing he received: “Elder Bednar shared with us the thought from Elder Maxwell that it is better to not shrink than to survive. Elder Bednar then asked us, ‘I know you have the faith to be healed, but do you have the faith not to be healed?’ This was a foreign concept to me. Essentially he was asking if I had the faith to accept God’s will if His will were that I not be healed? If the time were approaching for me to enter the spirit world through death, was I prepared to submit and accept?”

John continued: “Having the faith not to be healed seemed counterintuitive; but that perspective changed the way my wife and I thought and allowed us to put our trust fully in the Father’s plan for us. We learned we needed to gain the faith that the Lord is in charge whatever the outcome may be, and He will guide us from where we are to where we need to be. As we prayed, our petitions changed from ‘Please make me whole’ to ‘Please give me the faith to accept whatever outcome Thou hast planned for me.’

“I was sure that since Elder Bednar was an Apostle, he would bless the elements of my body to realign, and I would jump out of the bed and start to dance or do something dramatic like that! But as he blessed me that day, I was amazed that the words he spoke were almost identical to those of my father, my father-in-law, and my mission president. I realized that ultimately it does not matter whose hands are on my head. God’s power does not change, and His will is made known to us individually and through His authorized servants.”

Heather wrote: “This day was filled with mixed emotions for me. I was convinced that Elder Bednar would place his hands on [John’s] head and completely heal him of the cancer. I knew that through the power of the priesthood he could be healed, and I wanted so bad for that to happen. After he taught us about the faith to not be healed, I was terrified. Up to that point, I had never had to come to grips with the fact that the Lord’s plan might include losing my new husband. My faith was dependent upon the outcomes I wanted. In a manner of speaking, it was one-dimensional. Though terrifying at first, the thought of having the faith not to be healed ultimately freed me from worry. It allowed me to have complete trust that my Heavenly Father knew me better than I knew myself, and He would do what was best for me and John.”

A blessing was given, and weeks, months, and years passed by. John’s cancer miraculously went into remission. He was able to complete his university studies and obtained gainful employment. John and Heather continued to strengthen their relationship and enjoy life together.

Some time later I subsequently received a letter from John and Heather informing me that the cancer had returned. Chemotherapy was resumed and surgery scheduled. John explained: “Not only did this news come as a disappointment to [Heather] and me, but we were puzzled by it. Was there something we did not learn the first time? Did the Lord expect something more from us? Growing up as Latter-day Saints, it was common to go to church and hear the phrase, ‘every trial God gives us is for our benefit.’ Well, to be honest, I could not see how this was benefitting me!

“So I began to pray for clarity and for the Lord to help me understand why this recurrence of the cancer was happening. One day as I was reading in the New Testament I received my answer. I read the account of Christ and His Apostles on the sea when a tempest arose. Fearing the boat would capsize, the disciples went to the Savior and asked, ‘Master, carest thou not that we perish?’ This is exactly how I felt! Carest thou not that I have cancer? Carest thou not that we want to start a family? But as I read on in the story, I found my answer. The Lord looked at them and said, ‘O ye of little faith,’ and He stretched forth His hand and calmed the waters.

“In that moment I had to ask myself, ‘Do I really believe this?’ Do I really believe He calmed the waters that day? Or is it just a nice story to read about?’ The answer is: I do believe, and because I know He calmed the waters, I instantly knew He could heal me. Up until this point, I had a hard time reconciling the need for my faith in Christ with the inevitability of His will. I saw them as two separate things, and sometimes I felt that one contradicted the other. ‘Why should I have faith if His will ultimately is what will prevail,’ I asked? After this experience, I knew that having faith—at least in my circumstance—was not necessarily knowing that He would heal me, but that He could heal me. I had to believe that He could, and then whether it happened was up to Him.

“As I allowed those two ideas to coexist in my life, focused faith in Jesus Christ and complete submission to His will, I found greater comfort and peace. It has been so remarkable to see the Lord’s hand in our lives. Things have fallen into place, miracles have happened, and we continually are humbled to see God’s plan for us unfold.”

I repeat for emphasis John’s statement: “As I allowed those two ideas to coexist in my life, focused faith in Jesus Christ and complete submission to His will, I found greater comfort and peace.”

Righteousness and faith certainly are instrumental in moving mountains—if moving mountains accomplishes God’s purposes and is in accordance with His will. Righteousness and faith certainly are instrumental in healing the sick, deaf, or lame—if such healing accomplishes God’s purposes and is in accordance with His will. Thus, even with strong faith, many mountains will not be moved. And not all of the sick and infirm will be healed. If all opposition were curtailed, if all maladies were removed, then the primary purposes of the Father’s plan would be frustrated.

Many of the lessons we are to learn in mortality can only be received through the things we experience and sometimes suffer. And God expects and trusts us to face temporary mortal adversity with His help so we can learn what we need to learn and ultimately become what we are to become in eternity.

The Meaning of All Things

This story about John and Heather is both ordinary and extraordinary. This young couple is representative of millions of faithful, covenant-keeping Latter-day Saints all over the world who are pressing forward along the strait and narrow path with steadfast faith in Christ and a perfect brightness of hope. John and Heather were not serving in highly visible leadership positions in the Church, they were not related to General Authorities, and sometimes they had doubts and fears. In many of these aspects, their story is quite ordinary.

But, brothers and sisters, this young man and young woman were blessed in extraordinary ways to learn essential lessons for eternity through affliction and hardship. I have shared this episode with you because John and Heather, who are just like so many of you, came to understand that not shrinking is more important than surviving. Thus, their experience was not primarily about living and dying; rather, it was about learning, living, and becoming.

The potent spiritual combination of faith in and on the holy name of Jesus Christ, of meekly submitting to His will and timing, of pressing forward “with unwearied diligence” (Helaman 15:6), and of acknowledging His hand in all things yields the peaceable things of the kingdom of God that bring joy and eternal life (see D&C 42:61). As this couple faced seemingly overwhelming challenges, they lived a “peaceable life in all godliness and honesty” (1 Timothy 2:2). They walked peaceably (see Moroni 7:4) with and among the children of men. “And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, [kept their] hearts and minds through Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:7).

For many of you, their story is, has been, or could be your story. You are facing, have faced, or will yet face equivalent challenges in your lives with the same courage and spiritual perspective that John and Heather did. I do not know why some people learn the lessons of eternity through trial and suffering—while others learn similar lessons through rescue and healing. I do not know all of the reasons, all of the purposes, and I do not know everything about the Lord’s timing. With Nephi, you and I can say that we “do not know the meaning of all things” (1 Nephi 11:17).

But some things I absolutely do know. I know we are spirit sons and daughters of a loving Heavenly Father. I know the Eternal Father is the author of the plan of happiness. I know Jesus Christ is our Savior and Redeemer. I know Jesus enabled the Father’s plan through His infinite and eternal Atonement. I know that the Lord, who was “bruised, broken, [and] torn for us” (“Jesus of Nazareth, Savior and King,” Hymns, no. 181), can succor and strengthen “his people according to their infirmities” (Alma 7:12). And I know one of the greatest blessings of mortality is to not shrink and to allow our individual will to be “swallowed up in the will of the Father” (Mosiah 15:7).

Though I do not know everything about how and when and where and why these blessings occur, I do know and I witness they are real. I testify that all of these things are true—and that we know enough by the power of the Holy Ghost to bear sure witness of their divinity, reality, and efficacy. My beloved brothers and sisters, I invoke upon you this blessing: even that as you press forward in your lives with steadfast faith in Christ, you will have the capacity to not shrink. I bear this witness and I invoke this blessing in the sacred name of the Lord Jesus Christ, amen.

 Thanks Chad!

A while ago, before Matthew was admitted to the hospital again, the Hargrove family brought a sign and some cookies over for Matthew. It was really sweet and it made him feel great. Thanks Hargrove family!

On April 26th, Fran Lowder and her husband came in to the hospital with a gift for T. Fran wrote a ton of college volleyball teams telling them about Matthew and what a huge volleyball player and fan he is, and the teams sent her back posters, letters, pictures, shirts, etc. The Lowders decorated his room with the stuff the teams sent, and she said stuff is still coming in for him. That was a really awesome thing for them to do for Matthew. I'm sure he'll be really excited when he wakes up. Thank you to the Lowders and all of the teams that sent their love and support.

Tubes Gallore

Matthew through us through quite a loop last night. Around 11:30PM last night my mom called me in a panic because dad called her saying that T was unresponsive and was heading in for a CT scan. The nurse that put the feeding tube in his throat gave him an xray and saw that the tube wasn't in far enough. She pushed it in another four to six inches, did another xray, but saw that it hadn't moved and that it was coiled in his throat like a spaghetti noodle. The nurse was really concerned because he wasn't gagging or anything over it. The nurse did a few simple tests on him like squeezing his finger, but she still wasn't getting any kind of response from him. The nurse went down and got the lead doctor on the ICU floor for a second opinion. The doctor came up and did a few more tests like the nurse did. He actually yelled his name really loudly in his face, but Matthew gave him absolutely no response. The ICU doctor looked very nervous about this, so my dad told him to take Matthew down to the ICU.

Matthew had an army of doctors and nurses around him moving him down to the ICU. When he got there he had about 15 people frantically putting an oxygen tube and a pick line in him. Dad said they were going crazy trying to fix him and get him hooked up to everything. It was probably the scariest night that my dad has ever had in the hospital.

My dad called and texted my mom, but got no answer, so then he called David Layton. He got no answer there either so he called his wife, Joanna. Joanna picked up, so my dad told her what was going on and asked her to go get my mom and drive her to the hospital. Joanna rushed over to my house and knocked on the door, but there was no answer. All of the bedrooms are in the back of the house so that would be hard to hear. Joanna then rang the door bell over and over so the dogs would bark, and that woke everyone up.

Joanna Layton drove my mom to the hospital and dropped Hannah off at my house on the way so she could spend the night. I could not calm my mind to go to sleep that night, and so I was up until Joanna texted me and told me what was happening. By the time my mom and Joanna got there, T had already had his scan, and the results came back saying that there was no bleeding on his brain. Thank goodness. Joanna told me that he was back in his room and looked comfortable. He was a little more responsive, but had a bed sore on his bottom so they ordered a waffle mat to put under him. He was stabilized, and there were still a lot of doctors coming in and out, but they were calm.

I'm at the hospital right now, and he is getting ready to go in for another surgery around 1:00 or so to put chemo in his spine and to put in a line to give him dialysis through. This is a very high risk surgery because his platelets are very low and they are worried about him bleeding too much. We're all very scared for this surgery, but the doctors are really great and we know that they will do a great job. The doctor who is performing this surgery came in and told us that they would all treat him as if he was their own. That's really comforting.

The doctor who is performing today's surgery also told us that they don't know why Matthew is so sleepy. He said that his sleepiness could be caused by 1 of 12 reasons. It could be caused from one of the medications, which is what we're hoping for because that would be the easiest thing to fix. It could also be the cancer attacking his brain, or it could be the chemo therapy affecting his brain. Last night they were afraid that he had a seizure or a stroke, but the doctor said that they didn't see anything like that on the scan, which is very good news. They will run the tests to see why he is sleeping so much starting tomorrow, and we should have those results in the next 48 hours.

We love visitors at the hospital, and we know that Matthew can hear everyone. However, we are only allowed to have a certain number of people in his room on the ICU floor, and kids under the age of 13 aren't allowed. So please call before driving all the way down to Phoenix to make sure there is room. I'll post results about his surgery and consciousness as soon as I get them.

Mom Kissing T:

T's current condition:

 

The bundle of cords on his chest is like a train station of IV lines. I have no idea how they keep track of every little tube. It's insane.

These sensors attached to his head are for an EKG machine. They read his brain activity. These sensors  alone cost over $1500!

EKG monitor

T's Tower of Meds. Each little monitor is a different med being pumped through its own IV.

We're Not Out of the Woods Quite Yet

Tomorrow Matthew has to go down to the ICU because his condition isn't improving very quickly. This morning at 3AM, he went down to get a CT scan on his kidneys. His kidneys are really sick, but not failing. He has to get dialysis now to help them, but he won't have to get it forever. The doctors are certain that they'll be able to get his kidneys to recover by 85-95%. Tomorrow he has to go in for another surgery to get another spinal tap. They want to put chemo in there because they did find cancer there. His lungs have fluid in them, so he is breathing with a tube. He won't be allowed to leave the ICU until the doctor's are sure he is able to breath on his own. He's still unconscious and in pain, but he can hear everything that is going on. My mom says that when she or my dad talk to him, he grunts quietly. He will be getting a feeding tube down his nose because he hasn't eaten since Wednesday night. I know that will make him mad because that is the one thing that he absolutely did not want to experience, but he can't live without it. I know he'll understand that so I hope he will get over the fact that he is getting it put in. This has been probably the hardest week since all of this started. There have been a lot of tears and heartache, but he is going to live.
I was thinking about it, and I think that it is kind of a blessing that he is so incoherent. It's scary that he isn't talking or anything, but I don't think he will be able to remember any of these events when he comes to. I also think that because he is so out of it, this time will pass quickly for him. I find comfort in that. It makes watching him suffer through this not so bad. I just wish I could sleep through it too sometimes. I've probably experienced more emotions this past week than I have in a lifetime.
I'll continue to keep you all posted. Thank you for your support.

A Sharp Turn of Events

Wednesday began like any other day. He went to the clinic in the morning to get two units of platelets. He was in a lot of pain, and his heart rate and blood pressure was high though, so they took his blood and sent it to the hospital lab. The results came back saying that his calcium levels were higher than they should be. The doctor said that he should go to the hospital, but T wanted to go watch a volleyball game on Thursday night so he asked if he could go to the hospital right after the game. The doctor said that should be fine, so my mom took him home.

That afternoon, Jason Chapman called my dad to check up on Matthew, and asked if we wanted his mom to come over to see what she can do to make T more comfortable. His mom is a hospice nurse. She came over that night around 9, and he was pretty loopy and running a fever. Jason's mom said that with his calcium levels as high as they were and with his other symptoms, he was showing all the signs of calcium toxicity.

Calcium toxicity is very bad news. I found a really good article about it titled, "What is Calcium Toxicity and Hypercalcemia?" In the article it says,

"Hypercalcemia is a condition that is defined by having too high of calcium levels in the blood. Hypercalcemia can have original from several sources. It is certainly possible to experience hypercalcemia by consuming too many calcium supplements, and certain diseases can also lead to high calcium levels in the blood, but the vast majority of the time, hypercalcemia the result of thyroid dysfunction, a condition known as parathyroidism. The thyroid gland produces the hormones that regulate calcium in the body. If those hormone levels are out of whack, calcium can be released from the bones into the blood. This will weaken bon structure and can cause other problems too. Symptoms of hypercalcemia include lethargy, mental imbalance, weakness, dehydration, constipation, nausea, diarrhea, and even heart arrhythmia...Hypercalcemia is a factor in 10% to 20% of cases of advanced cancer and considered, at that point, to be an emergency. Symptoms include intestinal problems symptoms including nausea, vomiting, and constipation. These symptoms can be tricky to diagnose, as they are also common side effects of chemotherapy. If left untreated, coma and death can result, according to the Department of Solid Tumor Oncology at the Cleveland Clinic Taussig Cancer Institute."

(The article can be found at: http://www.globalhealingcenter.com/natural-health/what-is-calcium-toxicity-and-hypercalcemia/)

Jason's mom suggested that we get him to the hospital before his calcium levels got too high for the doctors to be able to treat him, so Jason and dad gave him a blessing, and dad took him to the hospital. They got there around 10:00PM. Matthew received a lot of fluid through the night, and they got his levels back to normal. If we hadn't gotten him to the hospital when we did, who knows how high his calcium levels would have gotten. It was a blessing that Jason called and brought his mom to see Matthew. It was really good that the doctors were able to get his calcium back to normal, but with that good news came some bad news.

We have been waiting for the pathology reports to come back since last week regarding Matthew's bone marrow and bone biopsy.  Yesterday, the 25th, my mom finally got the results. Matthew has now been diagnosed with Leukemia AML M7.  From what I've read, this type of Leukemia is pretty serious. It's treatable though, and he's going to get through it to remission.

The transplant he was supposed to get this week is off because of this new diagnosis. He got an MRI last night at 7:00 PM to check on his brain because he is so loopy.  We're praying that his loopy condition is just from the drugs, and not from lesions.

Last night, Adam Tieman and his wife came in to see Matthew, and they brought our family dinner. He has been so amazing through Matthew's journey by visiting him several times and making sure our family is taken care of.

There is a different plan of attack for this new experience we get to partake in. Today at 10:00AM, he had a surgery to remove his port and have a broviac tube put into his chest. He will also have a lumbar puncture (aka: spinal tap) to check to see if the cancer has seeped into his spinal fluid.  They will also shoot some chemo in there to keep the cancer out.

T going in for surgery today:

 He started a very hard chemo today that will last a total of 8 days, and then it is just a matter of waiting for his counts to come back up. That will be a 4-6 week wait.  Once they come up, he will be able to go home for one week, and then he has to go back in to do it all over again. After the first chemo, they will check his blood to see how it attacked the cancer.  If they didn't get the results they want, which is a significant amount of dead cancer cells, then he will be a transplant kid. However, this time he will not able to use his own stem cells and will need a donor. This is a total bummer because that means that all of the time we spent on collecting his stem cells, and all of those extremely painful shots he had to get were for nothing.

If he needs a donor for the transplant, then me and Hannah will be the first to be tested. If we aren't a match, then they will test Chad. The doctors said that they can test him in Spain and ship his blood sample home. For now though, it is just all about this really hard chemo and hoping that it will do what needs to be done. We are praying for the chemo route, but we will do the transplant if he needs it. This new path means that Matthew will not be able to start his senior year.

This was a really hard blow for us, and life is going to get a lot harder, but we're staying positive. He is suffering a lot right now, and I fear that this is the easy part. Please keep Matthew in your prayers and stay positive with us.

Hat Frenzy

So today my mom went to return T's tux and a thank you card he wrote to Marlene, and she got into conversation with Marlene about how prom went, and how much T loved his top hat. She wondered aloud where she could buy one, because the hat from Fun cost $125 to buy. Mom went from Jim's Tuxedoes to Fun to return the hat.
When she went into Fun, the lady was just getting off of the phone and asked my mom if her last name was Peters. My mom said yes, and the lady said that Marlene just called and bought T the top hat he rented.
Mom started crying in the store when the lady told her what Marlene did, and she drove right back over to Jim's to say thank you. Still crying, she hugged Marlene and told her what an amazing person she is. We meet so many cool people who just give and give. I can't believe how charitable so many people are. Thank you to everyone who has helped us in any way.

Patriarchal Blessing

Yesterday I went with my family to T's patriarchal blessing. He got it around 3:00PM. That experience was amazing. The spirit was so strong and the blessing said really great and inspiring things that gave us hope for his future. We only wish that Chad could have been there. He was the one who suggested that T get his blessing. We miss Chad like crazy, but we wouldn't be able to go through this experience without the blessings we are receiving from him serving his mission.

A Top Hat Affair

Last Saturday, the 20th, Matthew went to prom! He asked a girl named Mackenzie a few weeks ago. He asked her by writing a cute poem and attaching it to balloons with letters of his name inside each one, and a mask. The poem went:

The balloon has been popped and the puzzles together,

I must ask you a question you'll remember forever.

I've been fighting this fight and have not been around,

But the end is real near and it will be profound.

In fifteen short days there will be a frenzy.

Not over me, but a girl they call Kenzie.

It is time to be brave and be not afraid,

Will you please be my date at the Prom Masquerade?

We'll have food, we'll have friends, and we'll be dancing to chimes,

All for the memories of having good times.

Here is T preparing to ask her. In this picture he is painting a masquerade mask to put with the balloons he gave to Kenzie:

Mackenzie was excited to get his invitation. 

She answered him back in a similar way:

It was cool because she put confetti that said "Matt" and "Mackenzie" in the balloons. You can kind of see the confetti to the right of the poem.

Her poem went:

I read the poem,

Popped the balloons

The time has come

Prom is real soon!

The answer is here,

Need not to fear.

I won't have to guess

So my answer is...

(Pop balloons!)

Matthew was excited for her answer.

The week leading up to prom was really cool because of one person in particular. My mom and T went to a tuxedo shop on Monday, the 15th, called Jim's Tuxedoes to pick out his prom clothes. This shop is over on Main street just West of Greenfield. While they were there they were helped by a woman named Marlene. She fit him for his tux and quickly figured out what T was going through. (The bald head and wheel chair gave it away.) She told my mom that she knows our family is probably going through a lot, and that she wanted to donate the tux. Wow. We meet so many great people.
Later, on the Saturday Exactly one week to prom, mom and T went to a shop called Fun to get T a top hat. He thinks top hats are cool, because they are, and wanted a hat to cover his blad head for prom. He wanted one for my wedding, but we couldn't find one in time. They got one for prom though, and he rocked it.

The theme for prom this year was "Masquerade." Matthew and his friends went and picked up their dates, and then went to a spot in Queen Creek to take pictures. They all looked really good, but I think T looked the best. He looked really cool in his tux, but his top hat totally made the outfit. He looked good in the purple Kenzie chose too. After pictures, an escalade limo came and picked up the fancy teens. T's date had no idea about the limo, so her reaction was cool. The limo was decked out in fluorescent lights too, so it was awesome. 

T and Kenzie:

In the limo:

He looks really handsome in this picture:

And in this one:

More prom pictures:

Human Pin Cushion

Matthew's feet are still really swollen. They are swollen to the point that he is stuck in a wheel chair. He also has to ice his legs a lot and take more meds to help it.

This isn't the best picture, but you can kind of see how swollen he is:

Here is a way better one:

Going back into time really fast...On April 8th and 9th, he had to go to the Phoenix Children's Hospital and complete the testing I talked about on my March 20th post. 

Here he is getting an Xray for those tests:

On Sunday, April 14th, T had to go into the hospital Sunday night because he had a fever of 103. Right after Bishop Livingston interviewed him to receive his patriarchal blessing, dad took him to the hospital. While he was there, he got an IV antibiotic and got home around 12:30AM.

He has been going in every other day to get platelets for the past few weeks. On the 17th, he went in for platelets, but they were only able to boost him from 7,000 to 14,000. Since he had to have bone a marrow aspiration and a bone biopsy on the 18th, they admitted him to the hospital over the night of the 17th. He was able to go out to Urban Legends for pizza with his volleyball team before he had to go in, which was great. Once he was at the hospital, they gave him four units of platelets through the night to boost them up to 50,000 before his procedures. On the 18th, he went into surgery at 8AM, and he was in a lot of pain when he woke up.

This is his lower back a few days after the procedure. That actually looks good compared to what it was. All of those little, dark dots around that huge one are his past bone marrow aspiration sites. He has quite the collection now. T said he has 15 poke marks on his back...that's not including where they have poked his hips. 

Easter Sunday

I hope everyone had a great Easter yesterday. It was fun for our family because we got to celebrate Christ and my mom. It was her 29th birthday again! Yay! I can't wait until I turn 29 so I can start repeating my age forever...haha The Easter Bunny visited Matthew yesterday, and brought him a very unique basket...

A basket full of syringes and alcohol wipes for shots! He's such a lucky boy.

On Friday before Easter, my mom's visiting teachers came over to the clinic to see T. Suzanne Nielsen and Shanda Simper came and spent about an hour talking and rubbing Matthew's feet. He loved that a lot because his feet have been giving him problems. They also gave him this amazing candy bouquet and my mom some tulips.

Mmmmm....candy. So creative.